Saturday, February 26

Thoughts on the last few exboyfriends.

I’ve almost always associated songs with my boyfriends as I’m dating them, and especially as the relationship is ending. I’ve actually gotten quite good at it, or so I think.

Most Recent Ex (spring, 2004): Life For Rent – Dido

“I haven't really ever found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking”
~"Life for Rent"

I was actually really surprised how clearly these lyrics resonated with me, because I heard them and loved them well before we broke up. But I still stayed in a place of denial for about 6 more months. I was in a place of forcing something to work that just wasn’t going to. I hope that I’m now a bit more discerning in my knowing when to fold my cards.

Scarily, Dido’s whole Life for Rent album has parts that apply to me in my last relationship: Not really wanting to let him in, not really respecting him (although he’s an incredibly nice and kind person) a la “This Land is Mine” – Hey, I’ll let you play in my world, but remember who’s really in charge of it. Me.

Ex Before the Last

If Dido’s Life for Rent had thematic strains that met some nuances of my last relationship, Faith Hill just whaled on me when she released Cry as I was at the end of my relationship in 2002.

“Packed my tools, went back to school
Passed my graduation
And I hold my Ph.D in Crash Test Blues, I paid those dues”
~"Free"

And while I didn’t want to be “Free” from him, especially not as quickly as he wanted to be from me, singing a song that I wanted to feel - even if I didn’t at that very moment - was good for me. I especially loved the irony of the Ph.D I felt I got, while he was pursuing his own real Ph.D.

But Ex 2002’s song will always be “Cry.” Nothing came as close to how I felt to how he felt (or so I supposed). We haven’t spoken to one another since the Christmas night he said that it was “him and not me” (roll your eyes here) and I wished him luck with his life.

"Give it up, Baby. I hear you’re doin’ fine
Nothing’s gonna save me, I can see it in your eyes
Some kind of heartache honey, Give it a try.
I don’t want Pity, I just want what is mine."
~"Cry"

For me, “What is mine,” was the time and effort I spent on him. Selfish? Yes. I was. (I still am)

He taught me two wonderful things, though. Actually he didn’t. God did. One was that God’s sovereignty is perfect, even in the midst of a broken heart. At that time, it was merely a little dinghy in the middle of a lake of pain. But by clinging desperately to that inside, God prepared me to hold onto a bigger ship of faith when the pain became an ocean, not a lake.

Ex 2002 also taught me to guard my heart. I neglected the good advice of his sister and mom, and I see know how foolish it is not to accept the wise counsel of others.

To sum, within this decade I’d say I learned two blazing lessons 1) God’s sovereignty always reigns, is always good, and it’s most important to cling to that in the midst of pain. God doesn’t waste our time or pain.

2) I need to listen to those around me that know me best. Closing my eyes to reality doesn’t help the situation, nor does it help my boyfriend. If he’s not to be mine, he’s not going to be, and prolonging it just. . . doesn’t work!

God’s been pretty gracious – I’ve prayed for both men, when I’ve heard specific situations are happening or going to happen in their lives. Listen, that’s only by the grace of God. Forgiveness is not easy for anyone.

For me, I’m clinging to the hem of Jesus . nothing will undo my grip on Christ.

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