Wednesday, July 27

Today's the First Day

Transition, Adjustment, Lethargy, mild Depression. They're all kind of the same thing. 

And this low level, mild, depression is a difficult thing to get your mind around. It's like "I could eat." It's not that you're really hungry, and there may not be anything to remedy, but it's there.

It's the feeling - a sense - that things aren't right, but that there's nothing really to do differently.

This is funny and, from a therapy standpoint, mostly true:

Addie told me in a comment that my purpose (for The Right Now) was to be happy. And I took that to heart. I asked myself, "Why am I not happy? I'm doing whatever it is I want to do, whenever I want to do it."  This, I have found, does not lead to happiness or contentment.

I was encouraged last night to get a schedule and to stick (mostly) to it. Make sure my hubs sees that there is productivity in this time that I don't have a Go-To-Work job. I DID create a schedule about two weeks ago....but sticking to it? Not so much.

Which brings us to my contimplation as to why I haven't been productive so far. And in my heart, I realize, it's this lethargic-depressive-unmotivated seed that has taken hold and surrounded my mind. It tells me that one more hit on Etsy will make me happy. That one more documentary on Elisabeth I will bring me contentment. To push off the dishes will keep me from discontentment.

But all of these things come, anyway.

So today is The First Day. It's already feels more like the old days than before: I'm up first. (in the 3 years of marriage, I've almost nearly always been up well before hubby.)

Today, Electronic Blogging World, I will:
Shirk and Slack
Go to the Farmers Market. Buy fresh Veg. Team them with brown rice.
Go for a run!
Finish 5+ notes for Licensure.
Do all the dishes
Get a Load of Laundry finished.

I will not:

Get sucked into all the mommy blogs about organization (holy cow...! Have you seen this black hole...?)
Spend an hour on Etsy
Blog all my day away. (Sorry. I do love you Blogworld.)

Thursday, July 21

My Husband, The Saint

I have 10 projects to do, and only the drive to go to Etsy and waste time looking around. So far in our marriage and move to Georgia, My Husband, The Saint, has:

Put up every framed anything we own, leveled it, measured it and made sure it was aesthetically pleasing. This is a feat, because I like to gather things that are similar and then hang them on the wall. Observe:

Done 17 loads of laundry. (I helped fold a few of them and he showed me where the laundry facilities are)

Pick out decorations that match both our 10 year old rug and our Anthropologie inspired wall hangings.

Endure his wife's panic attacks that she can't find what she wants for the guest room on Etsy for less than $200.

Go to 5 stores looking for bedding.

End up at Marshalls, and gently encourage his decision-inabled wife to pick out the bedspread that actually will look good with the wedding gift that has driven the entire theme of the room.

Make the bed, stuff the pillow shams, arrange the bedspread. (I praised how wonderful it looks.)

Go to 5 more stores looking for antique dishes that are $125 a piece.

End up at Marshalls, find pieces that actually work, though not antique and not $125 a piece.

Hang said pieces.

Go to 3 Antique stores with wife, looking for a bench/table/chest to sit at the end of the bed, so that guests don't maim themselves on the King-sized metal bed frame that juts out from the Queen-sized mattress.

Convince wife NOT to buy the Louis XVI Armoire for $3200 (The lady said would take 20% off!! She had a southern accent!)

Find perfect table, convince wife that table is perfect. Buy table for 3.75% of the cost of that Louis XVI Armoire.

Arrange perfect table in guest room.

I have:
Written a blog post
Drank coffee
Looked at my projects. Drank some more coffee.

Thursday, July 14

The Easy Life

I was going to write about our vacation first, but I cannot seem to get around to going through the photos. My "OCD" is getting a hold of me. (I use that colloquially, as I actually have had several OCD clients, and I know I am not about to flip the light switch 17 times to protect my family from utter destruction). So, here's what I've actually written. It's where I'm at.

The Easy Life may very well be deepest desire of my heart. I imagine that as the months (without a clear direction) go by, I am going to wish for an easier and easier life. I want to know what is going to happen in life. I want to know what my role is, I want to know if my education and experience will combine in order to have a job that I love and feel a sense of contentment in.

Spoke with my sister recently over Skype. First off, her dog is a) the cutest and b) the funniest dog in existence as he constantly searched behind the computer to find the body that was sure to go with the talking head.

She and I talked about confusion. When things, events or circumstances don't look like what a person first thought they'd  look like. Each of us have many different areas in our life that we feel confused and wonder where this path will lead/end, as our life paths turn and twist in ways we didn't suppose. 

I don't know about her, but a little more "easy" and a little more verbal communication from the Lord is all I'm asking for. < / sarcasm >

In that context, during my reading of Job today (from my beloved "Bible Reading Plan for Shirkers and Slackers", which I restarted this year uh, week) Job recounts a similar thing: "Why did I not die at birth, for then I would have lain down and been quiet, I would have slept; then I would have been at rest." (Job 3:11a;13)

Ok, so I don't have sores from the crown of my head to my feet, nor am I in the throes of depression as is Job's case, but he says it. Just in a chapter of poetry, and not "Um, what the heck, God?" as would be my poetry.

I realize I'm not gleaning all of the theological meaning there, but as I read it, I heard Job go, "THIS IS SO HARD, GOD. Why couldn't I just have avoided all of it?"

I'm not at the end of Job. And as a counselor, I know to rush the reassurance of "It will be ok" or "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" is just frustrating when timed inappropriately. Scripture, even GOOD scripture (the right thing) must be used at the right time, in the right way.

I'll keep reading and I'll see what God has, plans that I can't even imagine.

Friday, July 1

Sunset of the Day

The glory and beauty of the sunset from our window still makes me happy....

Can I make a career at blogging?

Well, Adam and I had planned life to look a certain way. And God is creative and like surprises. I think that because God knows all things, he must live a little vicariously through his creatures and decides to surprise us.

I don't really like surprises, and never have. Adam and I agreed when we were first married to never plan surprise birthday parties for one another.

This surprise was not fun or exciting nor do I think of it as a postive thing right now.

Last week, Eric Youngblood at Rock Creek Fellowship quoted or said, "If you're not suffering now, you will be soon."  I thought of our life, and how things had been so good, and in that moment  I thought, "Well, I'm not suffering now, and I don't see any obvious suffering in the future."

Suffering for me comes in the form of disappointing news regarding a job. It comes as I'm pretty much alone in a new place with only acquaintances - though they are lovely and nice.  I miss my support system in St. Louis. I miss my family.

So I'm now looking for a job.  I'm looking for a place to be, a role to have, a way to contribute to the community as a whole.  And it's hard when you presume to know these things - who you are, where you belong, what your role is - and it changes or does not come to pass.

So I look at God and say, "So now what?"
With octaves of a mystic depth and height