Things they Don't tell you when you apply to Grad School

You'll start dinner at 7:30 am in order to provide for your husband and make the appointment with your 6:00 pm client. (Who inevitably doesn't show.)

Manna

"On the evening of the fourteenth day of the month, while camped at Gilgal on the plains of Jericho, the Israelites celebrated the Passover. The day after the Passover, that very day, they ate some of the produce of the land: unleavened bread and roasted grain. The manna stopped the day after they ate this food from the land; there was no longer any manna for the Israelites, but that year they ate of the produce of Canaan."

It occurs to me as I read this passage that God provides what we need, when we need it. That sounds very elementary -- however I'm reminded that the Israelites weren't terribly fond of Manna at points in time during their wanderings. I'm not terribly fond of waiting on the Lord to provide for me, and oftentimes I'm not very excited about the way in which he provides. My "Miniature God" complex raises its ugly head.

However, the Lord provides clients when needed and when prayed for, and I believe he is more honored by a desperate plea than an indifferent request. At least, he certainly has been getting desperate pleas out of me!

But he provides the thing we need when we need it: I need clients, and I've prayed. They haven't come in the timing that I would have dictated, had I been able to dictate, but they've come, and the Lord has been good to me. When I could have been dependent on the Manna of steady part time work and stay there, He has given me a vision of how I might be able to counsel part time for a while and then transition into full time.

He's shown me that he wants my dependence to be on him, not on my own work and abilities.

October

I remember reading a blog of a girl I didn't know and always thinking, "I wish she would update more frequently."

Things from this past week:

I've been fingerprinted for the FBI (and the MO Highway Patrol) as a part of state licensure. I assume I will soon have an FBI File....

Although I grew up in a culture that taught that you should always strongly declare the truth to a person struggling to believe, Sometimes it's hard for me to know whether I ought to be tough or tender when there are terrible tears streaming down the face of a hurting person as they believe the lies Satan sells us.

My husband came to me on the first day of the month (pay day) and brought me a pumpkin spice latte.

I try to plan our month of meals (since we are paid once a month) and it takes me 3 hours. I hate that.

It makes me incredibly sad to know that by the time I make it back home for Christmas, I will not have seen my sister in a year.

I'm really thankful for my counseling site - the people there continually remind me that it's not about my ability but about the Holy Spirit's power to change people.

Work is gearing up! (at both sites)

Not Quite the Bummer post the last one was

I repeatedly think about this blog. And usually I think about how I should update it with some profound story, or thought, or realization.

Unfortunately, confidentiality usually requires me to shut my mouth about the latest thing I've learned, because it's generally in response to something in a session that I've just walked out of. I'm learning the art of vague, insightful stories.

However, today I realized that I've come a long way since first beginning grad school. As part of my licensure process, I'm required to meet with my supervisor once a week - primarily to keep my counsel of my clients healthy and ethical. As our Ethics prof reminded us: State licensure is not there to make you jump through hoops, but rather to keep you from harming the public at large!

All that to say, my supervisor had me and the other counselor in training discuss each others strengths and offer encouragement where we could grow.

And as I struggled to think of my own strengths, he encouraged me that I've grown in softness and empathy for clients and others. And it occurred to me much of my "I'm right just listen to me!" thinking has given way to a curiosity toward others and striving to learn what it is like for them, during this roller coaster of life.

and then I thanked God that he is faithful to change me to be like him, and that he's accepting of me all along the way, though I stumble so often.

Today is better than yesterday

Yesterday, after having the dreaded financial conversation with my husband (it's one of the only things we argue about. Sweet Husband didn't realize he was marrying an ascetic), I did a stupid thing and incurred a $20 fee on one of our accounts.

I pounded out 35 emails to people letting them know I won't be around for a week.

Monday, I listened to 3 people's legitimate distress, had two people cancel last minute, and spent 9 hours at the counseling office. I made $0.

Then I thought about the 30 missed hours of paying work, due to weddings and vacation.

And Yesterday, I went home in about the worst mood I had been in for months.

THEN the seamstress left a message asking if I really needed that bridesmaid dress today, or if it could be later, after having not worked on it for a week. Anger bubbled up. (To everyone out there, no, we're leaving on Friday, so I need the dress today to pack).

I wondered on the way home if I was going to pick a fight with my husband. You'd think that I'd know when I was picking a fight, but I'm funny that way. I don't. I'm insightful, but not when I just want to fight because I'm in a foul mood.

Instead, my lovely husband let me tell him how angry I was at myself and the day. He even avoided falling into any trap I might have left, trying for a fight (I don't think I did it, but he avoided it if I did.) And then he kissed me, and we watched the rest of Les Miz.

For all of the difficulties in marriage, and yes, I pick fights and harp on money issues and am tired most days, There are just some lovely parts of it. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

The Cathedral Basilica St. Louis

When Mom and Ben were in STL with us, we went to the Basilica - it is a beautiful cathedral, as well as unique - the mosaics inside are detailed and the entire place is immense.

The Poor Ones

We're poor. Being as this will likely remain for another few years, we have begun frequently visiting the local STL public library. Yesterday we found the 1934 version of Les Miserables, directed by Raymond Bernard. It's a Criterion Collection film (which Adam likes) and it's Les Miserables, which I like. It's also impressively faithful to the book!