The Cruise. Photo overload!

Oh, The Cruise. It was FABULOUS! We really loved being with my family and the eating and the drinking. It was SUCH a good time.  A once in a lifetime thing for us, partially because of Dad's stroke (it renders him pretty darn tired for two days after traveling, so having the room available for him 24-7 was perfect) and it also allowed us to see such beautiful sights. Here:

 Near a Really old church in Puerto Rico - I think it said something like "built in 1650-something". Wish I would have written it down!

No idea what this building is for (home or business, but) Pretty!

 One of Two HUGE forts built in San Juan - one to protect from attacks from Land (this one, San Christobel) and one to protect from attacks at sea. (Ben and Jeremy show how big!)

 Off the boat at Barbados!

 Barbados! - Such beautiful water.....

 Why, Yes, our boat is as big as a floating skyscraper.

 Ben getting the shot  coming into Port in Antigua

Stunning, Stunningly beautiful Water. And that's a resort! "I Want To Go 

To There!"

For some reason I was able to notice glimpses of tropical birds everywhere we went. This little guy was flitting around our beach area for a good while

Rum, baby! It was pretty good, if I do say so myself!

Adam taking part in the local culture

Jeremy trying the Local beer

Bekah and me on the first night (I chose them in the wrong order, but it takes too much effort to move the photos in blogger)

The first night is formal night, thus the jackets and cocktail dresses

So charming

All of us together

Third night dinner. Bekah's dress was purchased on Antigua. Very sassy and cute!

Sailing away from Antigua

Coming into Tortola with the Sun

Tortola

Dolphin! Swim!

um, YEAH it was fun!

So, dolphins are amazingly AMAZINGLY gentle. There's no bumping into you unknowingly, the way dogs do.

Did I say it was fun? Cause it was SO MUCH FUN

Dude was performing ...he loved his little frozen fish. (The trainer fed him, not us!)

Sweet and gentle!

do you believe I am swimming with a DOLPHIN?

In Totola, we walked EVERYWHERE!

Then the boys surprised us....

With a massage for each of the girls....

From the Ship's spa! Oh, my goodness, SUCH a luxurious day!

Pretty courageous in St. Thomas

The kid makes it extra heavy!

Driving up the mountain in St. Thomas

Snorkeling - kind of - there weren't many fish to see

Checking out the Local Beer

Waiting for really interesting tacos - chicken with beets and cabbage and this amazing sauce. Just...Not enough of them!

Lots of Shopping in St. Thomas, just not a lot of different things. The souvenirs were pretty disappointing. Or really expensive.

The last night - with our FANTASTIC waiter and waitress, Carlito and Josephine!

Between the family, I think we have somewhere around 700 photos of our trip...so be thankful I stopped here!

But we did have a great time. It's really wonderful having family that gets along with each other.

Better (while simultaneously angering parents everywhere)

As I re-read the last two posts, it makes sense that people would respond with empathy and concern. And, this post isn't going to, nor is it intended to "undo" the expression of emotion that I've posted before. 

However, the last two days have not been full of weeping and gnashing of teeth. I have been thinking on something my husband said, which I believe is true, and also has the risk of pissing off some parents.

Children do not give meaning and value to a life.

Ok, so that statement? That was exactly what I needed to hear after the day of crying, returning from the doctor's office. 

It may seem unusually harsh and broad, but I think that if one slows down and thinks about it, there will be fewer howls of indignation from the happily married with children set. 

Certainly children bring meaning. They are valuable (if they were not, my desire to be a mom would be silly and likely even crazy.) However, having children does not make my life meaningful and valued. My life is already meaningful and valued, based on the value that Christ has endowed upon it, as a fellow heir.... etc, etc. You can fill in the rest.

Valuable, Same as infertile couples, same as single believers. (Or, shall we relegate single believers into a subcategory of "less than" because they are not married? [Unfortunately many Christians do act as though singles and non-childrened families are lesser than. Another post for another day.])

Secondly, as he assured me, our lives will be good lives, because we are already a family. A family of 2.  The numbers are of no consequence, we became a family when we married. 

Finally, I'm still  anxious regarding the next 3 months and fear that all of the side effects of Lupron will come raining down on me. However, as my mom encouraged me, exercise will be one of the best management tools I can utilize. So that's my plan. get my butt out of bed and exercise even when I don't want to. I have a little hope it won't be as terrible as I am wont to believe.

Different ears

My husband and I have different ears.  We hear things very differently.

I leave the fertility specialist in tears almost every time we see her. Dr. Scotchie is amazing, and she's only a few years older than me. She's a terribly empathetic physician, which is a high value for me, as I've interacted with a number of strange, odd, blunt, impersonal physicians (when my dad had his stroke).

Yesterday was our followup, which took an hour because I processed everything verbally.  I had a million questions, it felt like. I probably could have picked her brain for another 40 minutes, but she (surprise!) had other patients to care for.  She is going to put me on Lupron, a 3-month drug which will put me into a "false" menopause. Well, actually what it will do is shut my ovaries down (this is how I understand it. However I'm not really an expert on this at all).  The ovaries not producing estrogen will cause me to have menopausal symptoms.

Anyway, My husband has the ears of a positive person: He heard that we have a really good chance of getting pregnant after I take this Lupron shot. (Freaking Menopause, people!)

I cried.

It's just that I'm so angry that we even have to be on this path. When she talked about statistics, I heard: 20% chance of conceiving with shots and IUI. 11% chance with pills and IUI (and you can't really do IUI more than 3 months in a row). 5% chance on our own. Decreasing probability over the next year because my endometriosis will grow back.

Seriously God? There are meth addicts that have children!

When I told Adam how angry I was he reminded me of three couples that we know that are infertile (And I just now remembered a 4th) that are some of the most amazing people we know, and they are  certainly holier than I am.

So, I've concluded that there must be some kind of connection between being really holy, and God saying "no babies for you!"

Christmas Lights Therapy

There's something about being a counselor that makes you unafraid to diagnose yourself with various ailments. Depression for one.

I think most counselors - well, most decent counselors - are pretty good at self-analyzing, and realizing when they are blue, dark,  depressed, down.  Just the other day at work, one of the counselors mentioned her annual wrestling match with that general feeling of malaise during the winter.

(The current everyday experience of rain and/or fog isn't really helping, either) 

As I stood at our doorway, getting ready to get to bed (erg, its already late...) I looked around the living room, decked out with modest Christmas decorations. The white lights glowed from the tree and the garland.

I realize I'm blue. Not getting what I desire (that what is biblical and natural) has pushed me into a dark place. A place where I know the Lord is with me, but has not released me from.  I'm not skipping or running through this place. Walking. Through the valley of the shadow.

But the small, glowing lights of Christmas work their own therapy.

The people walking in darkness
   have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of deep darkness
   a light has dawned. 
Isaiah 9:2