Friday, December 9

Different ears

My husband and I have different ears.  We hear things very differently.

I leave the fertility specialist in tears almost every time we see her. Dr. Scotchie is amazing, and she's only a few years older than me. She's a terribly empathetic physician, which is a high value for me, as I've interacted with a number of strange, odd, blunt, impersonal physicians (when my dad had his stroke).

Yesterday was our followup, which took an hour because I processed everything verbally.  I had a million questions, it felt like. I probably could have picked her brain for another 40 minutes, but she (surprise!) had other patients to care for.  She is going to put me on Lupron, a 3-month drug which will put me into a "false" menopause. Well, actually what it will do is shut my ovaries down (this is how I understand it. However I'm not really an expert on this at all).  The ovaries not producing estrogen will cause me to have menopausal symptoms.

Anyway, My husband has the ears of a positive person: He heard that we have a really good chance of getting pregnant after I take this Lupron shot. (Freaking Menopause, people!)

I cried.

It's just that I'm so angry that we even have to be on this path. When she talked about statistics, I heard: 20% chance of conceiving with shots and IUI. 11% chance with pills and IUI (and you can't really do IUI more than 3 months in a row). 5% chance on our own. Decreasing probability over the next year because my endometriosis will grow back.

Seriously God? There are meth addicts that have children!

When I told Adam how angry I was he reminded me of three couples that we know that are infertile (And I just now remembered a 4th) that are some of the most amazing people we know, and they are  certainly holier than I am.

So, I've concluded that there must be some kind of connection between being really holy, and God saying "no babies for you!"


jules28 said...

Hi. :) May good luck be with you and your husband. I will pray for the two of you that God may give you a child already.

I followed your blog. Hope it's okay. :)

Addie said...

Bullshit. I'm pretty sure I'm one of the holiest people I know.

I don't have happy answers. I know that God has a plan, but I am terribly sorry that you are in the valley of the shadow. God will walk you THROUGH it though. He won't just leave you there. Depression is a lying bastard. It will get better. I promise.

Hannah said...

I'm pretty sure you are too. Perhaps you're like the virgin Mary: got holy through supernatural means :)

with a refreshed mind and a cup of coffee, I realize a more appropriate corrolation is likely "suffering=holiness!"

And of course, there are many people who suffer BECAUSE they had children...

With octaves of a mystic depth and height