All around the web, it's easy to see people writing "I'm thankful for" posts - especially now that November is firmly upon us. Thankful for big things and thankful for little things. I have been thinking "How can I be thankful for infertility?"
The answer is, I'm not.
I'm not, you guys. I'm not thankful for it.
Not yet.
I'm still at the place where I look at God with angry disbelief that I am infertile. That biological children - babies with my husband's eyes and my smile - are incredibly, deeply, terribly unlikely. Each time it hits me, it's... It's just unbelievable.
But I am thankful for other things that have been illuminated because of my circumstances.
I think the only way I am able to be thankful is to think about the love that I have been shown by others.
That the Miracle in all of this is that I am being carried.
Yes, carried by Jesus, certainly. But the miracle that I have experienced is in the people that surround me - all kinds. Family and Friends. Those with and without kids. They encourage me. They call on their own life's grief - past or present - and they offer hope. Hope that God has not abandoned me. Hope that I am not alone. Hope that life is and will be good.
I am thankful for the men that have rallied around my husband - and over and over their message to him is "Reassure your wife." I'm thankful that he does. That he takes nearly every day to say, "I would marry you all over again, knowing what we know now." Because, my friends, there is no worse fear than the fear that the man you love the most wouldn't have chosen you...if he knew the pain this would bring.
I am thankful that there a number of people that write in books and on blogs about the painful roads the Lord guides us along. Henry Nouwen, Charles Spurgeon, Deanna Davis.
I am thankful that God has a handle on me. That his grasp is so firmly planted that I do not have to be grasping onto him. Because I have come to the end of my own ability to hold onto him. I've been flailing about. But he has me.
I'm thankful for a moment three weeks ago. When the still, small voice broke through my railing against him. My ferocious questioning of him. How could you do this? And then the quiet words: "My plan is better than yours. You would choose this too, if you knew the end."
That was it. No other illumination.
But it was there. And He has given me the faith to hold onto that word. Because I have absolutely no faith of my own to summon up to believe such a thing.
And so he gave me the hope. And he gave me the faith.
And for that, I am thankful.
7 comments:
I've been praying for you and grieving with you guys from a distance as I read your blog updates, but feel bad interacting because, well, I have a little girl now. But i really like this post and admire your insight and honesty, so I can't help commenting this time. :) I know I will never, ever, ever be thankful I had a miscarriage - why should i be? It's a terrible thing. But it made me realize that "I will still see the goodness of God in the land of the living" is true. I'm glad that he is here with us in our trials, even (especially??) when we're crying out "why." Anyway, I admire you so much for sharing your heart in your posts. Thank you!
Amanda, I am so glad that you read - even from afar! Thank you for your sweet, sweet words of encouragement! I'm so grateful that you pray for us - I struggle with knowing how to inform people that aren't in our daily life about our present struggle...
And I'm looking forward to Christmas! Maybe you and Melodee and I can all get together for a little coffee? And of course, talk about U2 and Bono. We'll always have Bono!
I'm in on this coffee date! Love you Hannah. I pray for you as well.
I keep coming back to this post, because I still owe you one on the infertility-from-the-perspective-of-the-fertile (I know that I owe you nothing, but I OWE YOU. Come on.). The "You would choose this too, if you knew the end," is no end of challenging and though-provoking to me. Thank you for lining out that perspective, as hard as it is. I've got my post for you, to you, percolating still.
Addie, I am looking forward to it!
I think this is what "give thanks in all circumstances" looks like. Not always giving thanks for what causes the circumstances, but finding the unexpected blessings therein. Keep on keeping on, dear friend! Gratitude softens our hearts and brings us closer to the One who holds us when we can't lift our heads.
Sorry for the belated reply, but a Bono coffee date sounds good to me! :)
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