So. I got what I wanted.
God did as he pleased, when he pleased. He surprised us with a wonderful surprise, and I sometimes imagine the delight he must have felt when Adam an I found out, prayed in awe and amazement to him, and then commenced telling friends and family who had prayed for so long for us to become pregnant. Loved ones who had prayed for so long that when they were told they wept, danced or exclaimed with delight!
When my sister became pregnant (before me, when I was thoroughly convinced we'd never have our own child), Addie reminded me of the anxieties and fears that come along with pregnancy. And, truthfully, I took her seriously. But in a way that was unable to "experience-know" what she was talking about. I cognitively agreed. "Yes. That makes sense," I thought to myself.
I had no idea.
Would you all agree that if there was something that engendered me to full and utter Trust of The Lord and his ways, it would be this pregnancy? Look at what he has done! I "should" simply believe that God is good and that whatever comes we will look on with satisfaction in his doings. (Because I believe that for the 5 other friends who are pregnant and will give birth within a month of me.)
Oh, my friends, Trust is so fleeting. I have wondered to to the Lord, "God, when will I just simply TRUST you?" Will it be when I finally feel the little bean? If we get tests and find out all is developmentally ok? When I give birth to a healthy little baby? When will I, with full abandon, simply trust you?"
I'm currently going through a counseling class on Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and we talked a lot about mindfulness - paying close attention to things happening in the moment (Examples of Mindfulness exercises). But what was emphasized over and over is that mindfulness is a practice - it takes time, effort and discipline to be mindful.
As I re-read my notes from yesterday, this thought occurred to me: Perhaps Trusting God is less about feeling the emotions of trust and peace, and more about practice - the time, effort and discipline - of paying attention to the smallest details of what God does and his goodness. In all things.