Saturday, February 2

It should be easy, now, right?

So. I got what I wanted.

God did as he pleased, when he pleased. He surprised us with a wonderful surprise, and I sometimes imagine the delight he must have felt when Adam an I found out, prayed in awe and amazement to him, and then commenced telling friends and family who had prayed for so long for us to become pregnant. Loved ones who had prayed for so long that when they were told they wept, danced or exclaimed with delight!

When my sister became pregnant (before me, when I was thoroughly convinced we'd never have our own child), Addie reminded me of the anxieties and fears that come along with pregnancy. And, truthfully, I took her seriously. But in a way that was unable to "experience-know" what she was talking about. I cognitively agreed. "Yes. That makes sense," I thought to myself.

I had no idea.

Would you all agree that if there was something that engendered me to full and utter Trust of The Lord and his ways, it would be this pregnancy? Look at what he has done!  I "should" simply believe that God is good and that whatever comes we will look on with satisfaction in his doings. (Because I believe that for the 5 other friends who are pregnant and will give birth within a month of me.)

Oh, my friends, Trust is so fleeting. I have wondered to to the Lord, "God, when will I just simply TRUST you?" Will it be when I finally feel the little bean? If we get tests and find out all is developmentally ok? When I give birth to a healthy little baby? When will I, with full abandon, simply trust you?"

I'm currently going through a counseling class on Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and we talked a lot about mindfulness - paying close attention to things happening in the moment (Examples of Mindfulness exercises). But what was emphasized over and over is that mindfulness is a practice - it takes time, effort and discipline to be mindful.

As I re-read my notes from yesterday, this thought occurred to me:  Perhaps Trusting God is less about feeling the emotions of trust and peace, and more about practice - the time, effort and discipline  - of paying attention to the smallest details of what God does and his goodness. In all things.

4 comments:

Laura Ward said...

Spot on, friend! God's teaching me the same lesson lately - I have to constantly choose to turn my mind towards Him and exert my will to trust Him. My default position is to let anxiety run away with me. I've been trying to practice mindfulness more lately as an antidote and it's been incredibly helpful. I'll remind you to be mindful if you remind me! :)

Addie said...

Hey! We get to be works in progress together. What a privilege! Also, quit quoting me. I'm all self-conscious. :)

Just kidding. You know I love it. Tell me again how smart I am!

Carrie Jean Peeples said...

Oh! I'm just now catching up. SO exciting!! And the trust thing is hard every step on the way. I was more worried with my 3rd pregnancy about losing it even though I knew my body could carry them healthy and full-term. Then the baby comes out and new fears come forward. You are right on! It's about choosing to trust him more than feeling warm reassurances. SO excited for you!!

Molly said...

"Would you all agree that if there was something that engendered me to full and utter Trust of The Lord and his ways, it would be this pregnancy?"

Well, yes ... but I think you could look at it from another angle and say, "I know full-well how difficult the path can be that God chooses for me. What God ordains is always good, but it can be so painful in the moment (whether that moment lasts a day or a lifetime). He was not - and still is not - obligated to give me what I want. And throughout life, he will teach me to say, as he taught me over the last year, 'The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord.'"

From that perspective, your decisions to trust moment-by-moment, decision-by-decision, are always hard-won battles. Trust this far has been at a cost; I don't take lightly what it costs you to rest and trust now.

Praying for you, friend!

With octaves of a mystic depth and height