Thursday, January 24

Well, and then THAT happened....

So,  I was supposed to get my period on a Thursday - the Thursday before Christmas. Nothing happened. I was pretty happy, actually, to simply not get my period on that day, because it was a crazy busy day in the office, and I had vacation starting the next day and then we would be flying out on Sunday. So my plan was to hope it would come on Friday, and then I'd be done with it by Christmas.

Friday, Saturday come and go, and I'm packing for Christmas. I think to myself: "Well, I'm pretty regular, but I have had longer cycles and of course, I can't really get pregnant." So I throw in all of the tampons I have on hand, all the ovulation sticks I have (because if I do get my period, then I need them) and just for good measure I threw in a couple of pregnancy tests.

Sunday, Monday. Monday is Christmas Eve. We go to church. I dreaded it. (I love you, church friends! You are not why I dreaded it!) Church has been a hard thing for me for two years, and rarely do I feel at ease when listening to a sermon. Most sermons don't deal with depression and grief that lasts years, so I'm usually left trying to get myself into a different spiritual and emotional place so I can appreciate what the pastor is saying and how it might apply.

I figured I'd be crying for most of the service. I did ok, being as I only lost it at "O Holy Night" at the lyric "He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger." I felt angry and sad and reassured all at the same time. (Hello, Ambivalence!) Angry because, "Do you God? DO YOU know this weakness? Cause it doesn't seem like it" and Sad because "Of course, he knows it, Hannah, baby Jesus eventually dies on a Cross. You can't look at the manger and not see the cross" and reassured because, if there's anything I hope and pray with all my might, it's that Jesus knows my weakness and forgives me even so.

Christmas Eve and Christmas day. At this point, I am all, "What the....?" I won't go into detail, but lets just say I went to the bathroom A LOT trying to figure this thing out. Where are you, little pink streak? I emailed a couple of friends, telling them about my flummoxedness (it's a word, really), trying to induce Murphy's law. Usually whan I say things like, "I'm late," my period comes the next day.

I decide on Christmas Eve that Christmas day and after I'm late enough to warrant a pregnancy test.  I decided to wait until after Christmas day because I think, "what a horrible way to start Christmas, hoping that being late means a baby and finding out, no, you're not. Because THAT is what ALWAYS happens. And then thinking, "Oh, s*** I have cancer." (How did I get to cancer? I googled 'reasons you don't get period not pregnant.' Cancer came up. Good times!) The entire time, though you can't suppress the hope that a late period means a baby, reason and experience tell you, "Gurl, how stupid you be? You knows how this ends."

So Wednesday, the 26th, I take a pregnancy test. 6:15 in the morning. Hating every minute, because hope is buried way down there, but fear is ruling the moment. But I know it won't be....


Crazy news, people - we're pregnant!

(I took two just to be sure! in case you're wondering, the dark line is the indication of pregnancy, the light line is the control. GoodNess! )


Susan said...

I am so thrilled for you, Hannah!

Laura Ward said...

LOVE it. Still gives me goosebumps. Such a great story. :)

deannadavis said...

Hannah, this is wonderful, wonderful news! Wow. Just wow. So happy with you!

Hannah said...

Thanks everyone!

Laura and Deanna, I can't wait to get together. Whenever it works next, let's do it!

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