I feel myself trying to manipulate God: If I just push myself into submission, push myself into acceptance of my infertility situation, then I will get the balm I want. If I finally realize how deeply I need the cross, how sinful I am and acknowledge my sins, Jesus will give me my desires.
This is a hard place. How does one truly want Kingdom work when you do not care about Kingdom work? How does one love Christ for his sacrifice, when you feel that you've sacrificed a lot, too? Indeed, even feel as though you've sacrificed enough?
I ponder Corrie Ten Boom's story about forgiving the guard at Ravensbruck. (http://www.familylifeeducation.org/gilliland/procgroup/CorrieTenBoom.htm). If she prays for the love to forgive, why should I not pray for the ability to love Christ more than myself? To pursue God more than my own desires? Yes, I want a good gift from the Lord, but I want it for my own personal kingdom. I do not doubt this is the spiritual weed the Lord is pulling from the garden of my heart.
I cannot do it on my own. He must give me his saving grace. He must change my heart.
1 comment:
I hear you, friend - it's hard! Larry Crabb says that God allows our dreams to be shattered for this very purpose - to make our desire for God greater than our desire for our dreams/welfare/happiness, etc. But it's painful! And you're right, only possible by his grace. I read the other day that Brother Lawrence used to pray something to the effect of "Lord, I cant' change this on my own. If you want this behavior/attitude to change, you'll have to do it." And then he just left it in God's hands, trusting that the Lord would make the change, and didn't worry about it. I pray for the faith to pray that sort of prayer and have that level of trust!
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