A year ago I wrote this post: Advent
And I prayed and wrote in that post, "Jesus I am waiting. Waiting for you to heal this mess, this disaster
area that is my spiritual life. Come, Lord Jesus. Come Quickly. Heal me
and clean it up."
I was pregnant when I wrote those words. I had no idea that the Lord had come quickly, had allowed such a miracle, and I wouldn't know for another 16 days. I was still desperate.
It's amazing to me as I think back on that juxtaposition: of already having what I had prayed for, but being unaware of it.
These days, I feel peace with the Lord and with my circumstances. Is it terrible that I feel peace when I get what I want (as opposed to feeling peace when I'm in the midst of the storm)? Perhaps... Perhaps.
But I am grateful. And I think the Lord is calling me to remember that he can and does work when I have deep doubt that he will. And that he does love me, even when the contrary seems true, based upon my circumstances. That his love is perfectly timed according to his timing, and not mine.
It's what I pray for those who are still waiting for their babies to be conceived and arrive; or for their health to be healed; or their marriage to be trusting and whole; or for the brokenness and sin in their life to be eradicated. I pray that the Lord's timing will amaze them and their awe and love will turn to shouts of joy.
I pray also that the Lord will be near to me when hard times come again. Because I know that suffering is part and parcel to the Christian life. And I suspect I'll often doubt the Lord's goodness as I suffer. So I pray for his nearness and that I will remember the sweetness of this time, even as I go through future difficult times.
My sister sent this scripture to me today:
Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”