T minus 3 days.
Well, that is what my phone app says, and what my due date is. But who is to know? Only God.
I feel very ambivalent about this upcoming transition.
On one hand, I look forward to a person who is an addition of me plus my husband and our traits, our features, etc. But someone who is also wholly new, complex and unique. A person that I will know immediately, yet also get to discover over the next many years.
I'm looking forward to not feeling like a bowling ball is pushing on my bladder, hips, thighs, etc. Before I go much further, I do want clarify that pregnancy has been absolutely worth the discomfort and that I am NOT complaining about this wondrous experience and person we have wanted for so long. I'll just be a little relieved when the 7 pounder inside me is outside me.
On the other hand, I have really enjoyed being pregnant. I've liked - and even loved - certain aspects of it. There's a tenderness that is impossible to suppress when running your hand over the pushing and rolling of a little one inside your body. The wonder of how much is created so quickly, how internal organs and bones and eyes and heart are all developed so soon in the pregnancy process. I've really loved the entire time (well, excluding my impatience to get to the end and know the little one!)
Yet, the next season is scary. It's the unknown. And Adam and I have enjoyed more than 9 months of some of the sweetest times in our marriage. Lovely, peaceful and supportive. I LOVE our marriage right now. And I don't want to give this up.
Most everyone who has a baby or toddler tells us how hard having the baby was on their marriage. We've been warned. And I believe it. I mean, you have these hormones screaming through your body, you're both focused on someone else, instead of on each other, and then on top of it: Sleep deprivation. Am I ready for this? I fear I'm not.
Each morning I wake up immediately disappointed that contractions haven't begun. But lately, I've been snuggling (as close as reasonably possible with this beach ball belly in between us) next to Adam, knowing that for the next few months, when I wake up, it will be to the alarm clock of a hungry baby, not because I woke up and got to doze for 20 more minutes next to my husband. I think to myself that the countdown to joy and a sweet little addition is also the countdown to fewer quiet moments with my husband.
I cherish these last few days with only him, but also look forward to our little family of three.