Today's the First Day

Transition, Adjustment, Lethargy, mild Depression. They're all kind of the same thing. 

And this low level, mild, depression is a difficult thing to get your mind around. It's like "I could eat." It's not that you're really hungry, and there may not be anything to remedy, but it's there.

It's the feeling - a sense - that things aren't right, but that there's nothing really to do differently.


This is funny and, from a therapy standpoint, mostly true:

Addie told me in a comment that my purpose (for The Right Now) was to be happy. And I took that to heart. I asked myself, "Why am I not happy? I'm doing whatever it is I want to do, whenever I want to do it."  This, I have found, does not lead to happiness or contentment.

I was encouraged last night to get a schedule and to stick (mostly) to it. Make sure my hubs sees that there is productivity in this time that I don't have a Go-To-Work job. I DID create a schedule about two weeks ago....but sticking to it? Not so much.

Which brings us to my contimplation as to why I haven't been productive so far. And in my heart, I realize, it's this lethargic-depressive-unmotivated seed that has taken hold and surrounded my mind. It tells me that one more hit on Etsy will make me happy. That one more documentary on Elisabeth I will bring me contentment. To push off the dishes will keep me from discontentment.

But all of these things come, anyway.

So today is The First Day. It's already feels more like the old days than before: I'm up first. (in the 3 years of marriage, I've almost nearly always been up well before hubby.)


Today, Electronic Blogging World, I will:
Shirk and Slack
Go to the Farmers Market. Buy fresh Veg. Team them with brown rice.
Go for a run!
Finish 5+ notes for Licensure.
Do all the dishes
Get a Load of Laundry finished.

I will not:

Get sucked into all the mommy blogs about organization (holy cow...! Have you seen this black hole...?)
Spend an hour on Etsy
Blog all my day away. (Sorry. I do love you Blogworld.)

My Husband, The Saint

I have 10 projects to do, and only the drive to go to Etsy and waste time looking around. So far in our marriage and move to Georgia, My Husband, The Saint, has:

Put up every framed anything we own, leveled it, measured it and made sure it was aesthetically pleasing. This is a feat, because I like to gather things that are similar and then hang them on the wall. Observe:

Done 17 loads of laundry. (I helped fold a few of them and he showed me where the laundry facilities are)

Pick out decorations that match both our 10 year old rug and our Anthropologie inspired wall hangings.

Endure his wife's panic attacks that she can't find what she wants for the guest room on Etsy for less than $200.

Go to 5 stores looking for bedding.

End up at Marshalls, and gently encourage his decision-inabled wife to pick out the bedspread that actually will look good with the wedding gift that has driven the entire theme of the room.

Make the bed, stuff the pillow shams, arrange the bedspread. (I praised how wonderful it looks.)

Go to 5 more stores looking for antique dishes that are $125 a piece.

End up at Marshalls, find pieces that actually work, though not antique and not $125 a piece.

Hang said pieces.

Go to 3 Antique stores with wife, looking for a bench/table/chest to sit at the end of the bed, so that guests don't maim themselves on the King-sized metal bed frame that juts out from the Queen-sized mattress.

Convince wife NOT to buy the Louis XVI Armoire for $3200 (The lady said would take 20% off!! She had a southern accent!)

Find perfect table, convince wife that table is perfect. Buy table for 3.75% of the cost of that Louis XVI Armoire.

Arrange perfect table in guest room.


I have:
Written a blog post
Drank coffee
Looked at my projects. Drank some more coffee.

Inspiration

The Easy Life

I was going to write about our vacation first, but I cannot seem to get around to going through the photos. My "OCD" is getting a hold of me. (I use that colloquially, as I actually have had several OCD clients, and I know I am not about to flip the light switch 17 times to protect my family from utter destruction). So, here's what I've actually written. It's where I'm at.

The Easy Life may very well be deepest desire of my heart. I imagine that as the months (without a clear direction) go by, I am going to wish for an easier and easier life. I want to know what is going to happen in life. I want to know what my role is, I want to know if my education and experience will combine in order to have a job that I love and feel a sense of contentment in.

Spoke with my sister recently over Skype. First off, her dog is a) the cutest and b) the funniest dog in existence as he constantly searched behind the computer to find the body that was sure to go with the talking head.

She and I talked about confusion. When things, events or circumstances don't look like what a person first thought they'd  look like. Each of us have many different areas in our life that we feel confused and wonder where this path will lead/end, as our life paths turn and twist in ways we didn't suppose. 

I don't know about her, but a little more "easy" and a little more verbal communication from the Lord is all I'm asking for. < / sarcasm >

In that context, during my reading of Job today (from my beloved "Bible Reading Plan for Shirkers and Slackers", which I restarted this year uh, week) Job recounts a similar thing: "Why did I not die at birth, for then I would have lain down and been quiet, I would have slept; then I would have been at rest." (Job 3:11a;13)

Ok, so I don't have sores from the crown of my head to my feet, nor am I in the throes of depression as is Job's case, but he says it. Just in a chapter of poetry, and not "Um, what the heck, God?" as would be my poetry.

I realize I'm not gleaning all of the theological meaning there, but as I read it, I heard Job go, "THIS IS SO HARD, GOD. Why couldn't I just have avoided all of it?"

I'm not at the end of Job. And as a counselor, I know to rush the reassurance of "It will be ok" or "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" is just frustrating when timed inappropriately. Scripture, even GOOD scripture (the right thing) must be used at the right time, in the right way.

I'll keep reading and I'll see what God has, plans that I can't even imagine.

Sunset of the Day

The glory and beauty of the sunset from our window still makes me happy....

Can I make a career at blogging?

Well, Adam and I had planned life to look a certain way. And God is creative and like surprises. I think that because God knows all things, he must live a little vicariously through his creatures and decides to surprise us.

I don't really like surprises, and never have. Adam and I agreed when we were first married to never plan surprise birthday parties for one another.

This surprise was not fun or exciting nor do I think of it as a postive thing right now.

Last week, Eric Youngblood at Rock Creek Fellowship quoted or said, "If you're not suffering now, you will be soon."  I thought of our life, and how things had been so good, and in that moment  I thought, "Well, I'm not suffering now, and I don't see any obvious suffering in the future."

Suffering for me comes in the form of disappointing news regarding a job. It comes as I'm pretty much alone in a new place with only acquaintances - though they are lovely and nice.  I miss my support system in St. Louis. I miss my family.

So I'm now looking for a job.  I'm looking for a place to be, a role to have, a way to contribute to the community as a whole.  And it's hard when you presume to know these things - who you are, where you belong, what your role is - and it changes or does not come to pass.

So I look at God and say, "So now what?"

More is Coming, but in the meantime...

Oh, this is good stuff: Harry Potter vs Star Wars. 

Where we are

Day one of unpacking


Day Two of unpacking


Plastic knobs?


How about an facelift!



Day Three was probably the most difficult - Adam put up all of the wall hangings, and that just takes a LONG time!








Adam has his office



And the view ain't half bad....



(The mist lifting off the mountains - amazing!)

The Official Reboot

Ok all you that I used to keep up with - Here we go! I am rebooting this blog. Now that I am no longer:

a) Busy beyond compare, forcing myself to work ridiculous hours, putting pressure on myself as the main breadwinner and succumbing to my fear of potential financial destitution (There will obviously be an upcoming post on fear of money and fear of the Lord)
b) Living in the world of confidentiality and always feeling uncomfortable sharing things even about myself, because I've gotten so used to keeping everything quiet (can we say, "overreacting?")
and c) WITHOUT INTERNET AT HOME

I will be hopefully keeping everyone in my St. Louis and Montana life apprised of our goings on here at CC. (Let's hope even more then keeping everyone updated, I will also be humorous, or at least interesting).

Next up: photos of the move....

Psalm 25

Of David.

In you, LORD my God,

I put my trust.

I trust in you;

do not let me be put to shame,

nor let my enemies triumph over me.

No one who hopes in you

will ever be put to shame,

but shame will come on those

who are treacherous without cause.

Show me your ways, LORD,

teach me your paths.

Guide me in your truth and teach me,

for you are God my Savior,

and my hope is in you all day long.

Remember, LORD, your great mercy and love,

for they are from of old.

Do not remember the sins of my youth

and my rebellious ways;

according to your love remember me,

for you, LORD, are good.

Good and upright is the LORD;

therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

He guides the humble in what is right

and teaches them his way.

All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful

toward those who keep the demands of his covenant.

For the sake of your name, LORD,

forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

Who, then, are those who fear the LORD?

He will instruct them in the ways they should choose.

They will spend their days in prosperity,

and their descendants will inherit the land.

The LORD confides in those who fear him;

he makes his covenant known to them.

My eyes are ever on the LORD,

for only he will release my feet from the snare.

Turn to me and be gracious to me,

for I am lonely and afflicted.

Relieve the troubles of my heart

and free me from my anguish.

Look on my affliction and my distress

and take away all my sins.

See how numerous are my enemies

and how fiercely they hate me!

Discouragement

It's a tough time in the job market. Adam's process reminds me of my getting out of college (ack, 11 years ago!). I had this belief that businesses would be waiting at the graduation door to beg me to work for them. Instead, it was a 2.5 year process of temping and working in politics before I found a job. He's far more realistic.

There's nothing quite as discouraging as hearing nothing. While I hate the answer "no, we've gone with another candidate," (and by the way, no matter how gracious the response - and we've gotten some gracious "no's" - it's still just a kick in the stomach) the quiet uneasiness of hearing nothing is awful. Silence encourages hope, which is so painful when dashed.

It takes me about a day to work through the disappointment, anger, sadness and frustration when we don't hear a positive response. It's the reminder that I'm  not in control. 

So here we are. Praying. Praying, Praying, Praying for opportunities. Praying for interviews. Because my husband is a phenomenal worker, a brilliant teacher, one who puts an amazing amount of time and effort into his lessons.


Please Pray with us.

Catch up.

I'm digging a number of things out from under piles and piles of ....things. One of them is this blog.

We'll see how long my endurance runs, but I was reading Addie and Molly's blogs and feeling just a little jealous that they are keeping up with their blogs - with life being hectic and crazy for both of them. I thought, well, sheesh, I don't have a 6 year old or a 3 month year old. If they can do it, so can ....I?

Today is the third day in a row that Adam and I have left the house for more than 5 hours to do work, as we both need internet to complete our jobs. The problem with home? No internet. (WHAT? Why not? Adam and Hannah are LUDDITES!) You know, I've thought about this a lot, and last month we were the closest we've ever come to getting internet at the house. But then we're like, "$37 a month? That's a dinner out, or at LEAST 5 times to the coffee shop to get coffee and internet." And I like coffee.

So here we are again at Borders. This time we're at my favorite spot. A big table, next to the electrical plug and near enough to windows to see the sunshine, but not burn to a crisp sitting in it. We've done this a few times.

Today is also the third day in a row that I've actually done what I was supposed to, based on my Remember The Milk task list. I'm a "Getting Things Done" junkie that falls off the wagon pretty regularly. (I linked to someone else's blog because it was a better example than the actual David Allen website -which is there to sell you things.) So, I need a good task list and was given a good review on RTM. Of course, I emailed the person supporting RTM, and found that he's moving on to another organizational program, but THAT one is $75! No thanks. Free is the name of the game in the Porcella family right now.

Adam is applying to teaching jobs right now around the country. We're praying for God's direction and *blessings*, and maybe a miracle to bring us close to family in either Billings or Philadelphia. The most interesting position is one in a state that won't acknowledge my professional counseling license - Which will be completed in August, Lord willing.

Licensure is a fun topic - I'm working about 50 hours a week trying to get licensed by August, so that if Adam and I have to move in the summer I'll be ready to go. I'm way ahead on client hours but way behind on reading hours. I mean, reading is very important to keep up with the latest and greatest in Christian psychology (no, not an oxymoron). However reading about eating disorders is the last thing I want to do at 10 pm when I get home.

I'm currently reading about Boundaries, (a book by Cloud and Townsend) along with about half my client load - homework assigned to them because I like it so much! I'm a terrible person when it comes to boundaries. I've had to learn that I'm a very subtle people pleaser ("fear of man issue," for all of those Westminster-ites out there) who gets very angry when I feel like others are expecting me to do more than I can. Previously, I've blamed others for their unreasonable expectations. I'm now learning to figure out what I can reasonably do and then deal with the disappointment of others when I can't be all that they want me to be (i.e., workhorse, savior, Tigerblood Goddess.)

And since everything lately has a Charlie Sheen component: My arm-chair diagnosis: Axis I: 296.52, BiPolar, Moderate; Axis II: 301.81, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, with Borderline features. I'm currently ruling out Histrionic features. In the south, they'd just call it a Hot Mess. ("I'm Bi-Winning!)

Ok, so I'm going off to actually DO the things that my RTM list says I should do....since I bragged about it, and have now procrastinated!

2 Lunch thoughts

1) I love LOVE this casserole as leftovers

2 chicken breasts (cut into cubes)
1 can of cream of _______ (chicken, cheese or celery) soup,
a good amount of broccoli,
2 cups cooked rice,
enough cheddar cheese to kill a horse (or to satisfy you)

cook the chicken in a CAST IRON SKILLET (I'm so in love with CIS's that I need to yell it) until nice and brown. take out of skillet, pour in some chicken broth, get all the yummy bits up. put the brothy-yummy-bits into a bowl, add soup, chopped up cooked chicken, cooked broccoli, rice, and mix. Turn in Cheese. Bake in oven (if you want, in your CAST IRON SKILLET) until warmed through (doesn't really matter the degree setting; I did it 10 minutes @ 400.)

Eat and enjoy. warm it up the next day, eat and enjoy again.


2) I think about food a lot.

Things they Don't tell you when you apply to Grad School

You'll start dinner at 7:30 am in order to provide for your husband and make the appointment with your 6:00 pm client. (Who inevitably doesn't show.)

Manna

"On the evening of the fourteenth day of the month, while camped at Gilgal on the plains of Jericho, the Israelites celebrated the Passover. The day after the Passover, that very day, they ate some of the produce of the land: unleavened bread and roasted grain. The manna stopped the day after they ate this food from the land; there was no longer any manna for the Israelites, but that year they ate of the produce of Canaan."

It occurs to me as I read this passage that God provides what we need, when we need it. That sounds very elementary -- however I'm reminded that the Israelites weren't terribly fond of Manna at points in time during their wanderings. I'm not terribly fond of waiting on the Lord to provide for me, and oftentimes I'm not very excited about the way in which he provides. My "Miniature God" complex raises its ugly head.

However, the Lord provides clients when needed and when prayed for, and I believe he is more honored by a desperate plea than an indifferent request. At least, he certainly has been getting desperate pleas out of me!

But he provides the thing we need when we need it: I need clients, and I've prayed. They haven't come in the timing that I would have dictated, had I been able to dictate, but they've come, and the Lord has been good to me. When I could have been dependent on the Manna of steady part time work and stay there, He has given me a vision of how I might be able to counsel part time for a while and then transition into full time.

He's shown me that he wants my dependence to be on him, not on my own work and abilities.

October

I remember reading a blog of a girl I didn't know and always thinking, "I wish she would update more frequently."

Things from this past week:

I've been fingerprinted for the FBI (and the MO Highway Patrol) as a part of state licensure. I assume I will soon have an FBI File....

Although I grew up in a culture that taught that you should always strongly declare the truth to a person struggling to believe, Sometimes it's hard for me to know whether I ought to be tough or tender when there are terrible tears streaming down the face of a hurting person as they believe the lies Satan sells us.

My husband came to me on the first day of the month (pay day) and brought me a pumpkin spice latte.

I try to plan our month of meals (since we are paid once a month) and it takes me 3 hours. I hate that.

It makes me incredibly sad to know that by the time I make it back home for Christmas, I will not have seen my sister in a year.

I'm really thankful for my counseling site - the people there continually remind me that it's not about my ability but about the Holy Spirit's power to change people.

Work is gearing up! (at both sites)

Not Quite the Bummer post the last one was

I repeatedly think about this blog. And usually I think about how I should update it with some profound story, or thought, or realization.

Unfortunately, confidentiality usually requires me to shut my mouth about the latest thing I've learned, because it's generally in response to something in a session that I've just walked out of. I'm learning the art of vague, insightful stories.

However, today I realized that I've come a long way since first beginning grad school. As part of my licensure process, I'm required to meet with my supervisor once a week - primarily to keep my counsel of my clients healthy and ethical. As our Ethics prof reminded us: State licensure is not there to make you jump through hoops, but rather to keep you from harming the public at large!

All that to say, my supervisor had me and the other counselor in training discuss each others strengths and offer encouragement where we could grow.

And as I struggled to think of my own strengths, he encouraged me that I've grown in softness and empathy for clients and others. And it occurred to me much of my "I'm right just listen to me!" thinking has given way to a curiosity toward others and striving to learn what it is like for them, during this roller coaster of life.

and then I thanked God that he is faithful to change me to be like him, and that he's accepting of me all along the way, though I stumble so often.

Today is better than yesterday

Yesterday, after having the dreaded financial conversation with my husband (it's one of the only things we argue about. Sweet Husband didn't realize he was marrying an ascetic), I did a stupid thing and incurred a $20 fee on one of our accounts.

I pounded out 35 emails to people letting them know I won't be around for a week.

Monday, I listened to 3 people's legitimate distress, had two people cancel last minute, and spent 9 hours at the counseling office. I made $0.

Then I thought about the 30 missed hours of paying work, due to weddings and vacation.

And Yesterday, I went home in about the worst mood I had been in for months.

THEN the seamstress left a message asking if I really needed that bridesmaid dress today, or if it could be later, after having not worked on it for a week. Anger bubbled up. (To everyone out there, no, we're leaving on Friday, so I need the dress today to pack).

I wondered on the way home if I was going to pick a fight with my husband. You'd think that I'd know when I was picking a fight, but I'm funny that way. I don't. I'm insightful, but not when I just want to fight because I'm in a foul mood.

Instead, my lovely husband let me tell him how angry I was at myself and the day. He even avoided falling into any trap I might have left, trying for a fight (I don't think I did it, but he avoided it if I did.) And then he kissed me, and we watched the rest of Les Miz.

For all of the difficulties in marriage, and yes, I pick fights and harp on money issues and am tired most days, There are just some lovely parts of it. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

The Cathedral Basilica St. Louis

When Mom and Ben were in STL with us, we went to the Basilica - it is a beautiful cathedral, as well as unique - the mosaics inside are detailed and the entire place is immense.

The Poor Ones

We're poor. Being as this will likely remain for another few years, we have begun frequently visiting the local STL public library. Yesterday we found the 1934 version of Les Miserables, directed by Raymond Bernard. It's a Criterion Collection film (which Adam likes) and it's Les Miserables, which I like. It's also impressively faithful to the book!